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what was i thinking. i know how dependent i am, and i should have known not to believe that. i should've listened to my head. and now i'm alone, although it's felt like that almost all along. just let it sink in and i'll go crazy. i can't wait forever, a week was hard enough and then it was a month and now it's months and i overrestimated my strength. i'm not a strong person, i guess i don't want anything to do with anyone.My Mood :  lonely Current Music: alien ant farm |
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i spend all this time trying to prove to myself that there is no god,
but something was there today. something kept that telephone pole from
killing me and i think i need to have a little more faith. i need dan
but i'm not going to be selfish, he needs me too and i'll just be
there...for anything and everything. i look like a platapuss and i have
my interview with southern tomorrow, but it could be so much worse, i
could be dead and never make it to my interview or college. for a
moment i wished i was, i feel terrible, but i do believe that it's for
the better that i am not. not to mention there must be a reason. dan
thinks it's because he prayed for me last night, i love him and his
praying. i think it has something to do with him. all i wanted to know
was that i meant something to my old best friends. and today all i
thought of was, wow if i died would they have even bothered to go to my
funeral? but you know what, i shouldn't waste my time thinking about
that when i'm sure they wouldn't bat an eyelash for me. what matters is
the friends i have came through and i'm so happy to have them. i don't
know what i would do without tal...god i don't even want to think about
it. i'm such a wimp but i'm still all shook up, i think that was my
first real real near death experience, and all i got was a swollen
shrek-like face which will heal. i'm not sure what to think, sure i
think i'm an idiot, but besides that, all i know is we have one less
car for now, and there is one less telephone poll in the town of
milford, and i'm scared to get in a car tomorrow.i feel like i am going
to ruin my familys christmas...but i guess we'll see how things work
out. i miss daniel to death, night night.
My Mood :  scared |
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i miss my love...a lottt.
but it's a small price to pay...
i'm so proud of that boy i could scream :-)
finallyyy...lonely and not, and happy and gonna be happier.
ohhhhh gosh <3
 it's only gonna get BETTER :-D!!!
My Mood : anxious Current Music: blur |
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Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 09:58 pm
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reading old entries makes me cry. no wonder i don't write in this
anymore. all i want is to go back to sophmore year before i ever met
dan and still had my best friends. i miss my friends but i miss the old
them, not the people they've become, and i'm sure they miss the old me
too, and obviously want nothing to do with the new me. i have a feeling
no one likes this me. maybe because i'm pathetically sad all the time
and try too hard to be chipper to the point where people probably just
want to laugh at me. i wish i could take back meeting dan. dan forgot
about me today, he used to always do this when he was on dope. he lies
while looking right in my eyes knowing that i'm not stupid, and tells
me he's not on anything. he knew i was upset yesterday, i told him i
wanted to talk, for once i kept calling him he just put it off and put
it off and then said he would come over after school and he wanted to
see me then. he didn't come. he didn't call. i don't care if i'm lucky
to have fallen in love i wanted my first time falling in love to be
beautiful, not this full of hurt. that's all i do is hurt. i'm so
fucking sick of heroin, and everyone on it. it changes people and all i
care about is myself right now so i'll just say that honestly...it
fucking hurts me. i know my life will get a million times better and
it's not the end of the world and i'll fall in love again, but i'd
rather just be re-born and start a whole new life, i don't care how
fucking ugly i come out, a new life sounds so good. i want to move to
michigan so i can visit my grandma whenever i want cause i always
regretted not living closer. i want to see anne marie, i'm sad with all
those years we lived 20 minutes away i didn't see her and paula more
often. my dad doesn't have faith that i can get into a college there
but i know there's gotta be some way. i want to meet a boy who is gonna
follow me around and fall in love with me and call me all the time and
never forget to show up. a boy who on our 1 year anniversary will plan
something cute like a picnic or atleast be coherent and not fall asleep
and forget about me. i want a boy who can have a good time but isn't
dependant on drugs. a boy who cares about his friends and family,
doesn't believe in ripping people off, and is sensitive to other
people's emotions. i feel like i missed out on something i could have
had and i just wasted my time and my love on someone who is too selfish
to care about anyone but himself. i can't blame everything on him, i'm
the one who's stuck around this long. it's so fucking hard to get out
of this relationship because i feel like i'm dependant on him. i lost
my good friends, he is my best friend, and if you take that out of my
life i would hardly have one. who do i see everyday and talk to all the
time...and without it i wouldn't know where to start. i have tal and i
love her to deathhh. still things will never be how they used to. i
need a constant who will actually be constant and dependable...i
shouldn't have to rely on other people to keep myself going but that's
something i have to work on. i want to move away and start over so bad
it might kill me before i even get the chance.
My Mood : crushed |
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godddddddd, this boy kills me :-(
i hate myself and everything else.
Remember today...I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love
My Mood : sick of itttt Current Music: silverchair-leave me out |
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the last few weekends have been really fun, especially
the last 2 weeks at toads, very fun even tho i got sick that first time
and then well the last time heh...well nvm. fun fun yeah that's great,
but i'm fucking missing myself, i'm empty, it's complete shit. the
thought of being alone away from everyone else doesn't bother me
anymore, i no longer am concerned with what i would do to other people
if i were to leave...one of the few people i really really didn't want
to hurt, i most definitely think he'd get over it, and quickly, and it
hurts me. today was dan and i's one year anniversary, i don't even want
to explain how much i anticipated that. ohhh i thought we'd never make
it that far and when we were comming close to it my expectations grew
to it being this big thing. a year of my life with one person, and my
first love at that, i thought it was so special. idk, tonight wasn't
special. it started bad, i couldn't get in a great mood after that, oh
god please forgive me cause that's all my fault, and then we have him
whistling and dave mathews in the background, blah blah blah he's so
original they are so good. fuck that i felt like i wanted to stand up
and run into the wall as hard as i could, and hopefully die immediately
so i wouldn't have to see how ugly i looked after smashing into a wall.
all my days are fucking bad they just blend together now, and then i
have some good nights, some really good nights. those nights are
artificial and i love them to deathhhh, but i want the natural good
nights back. i wanted tonight to be special and i feel like such a
bitch for feeling let down but honestly i didn't even want to go
anywhere or anything i just wanted it to be nice. and so sorry if i had
a hard time being happy but everything really suckss right now. i'd ask
for my old self back but i don't even know what that is anymore, and
even if i did, i'm pretty sure she wasn't the happiest either. i'm so
negative and i complain constantly but all it would take was one person
to make me feel like i'm a significant amount of importance to them and
my life would be like it was 6 or 7 months ago when i was completely
infatuated and happy to be myself for once.
i want to...i want to be someone else or i'll explode.
My Mood : alone Current Music: placebo-special k |
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this weekend was pretty good. there was a thing or two i
definitely wanted to do that i didn't get to but there's always next
weekend :-), and it's better off that way anyways. i hung out with dan
every night because he doesn't go to law anymore and i going to miss
seeing him everyday :-(. and because i wanted to heh. friday was good
even tho i almost like died haha and then i hear jasmine, "she needs
her nebulizerrrrrrrrr" lol. sometimes i don't know my limits till i've reached them heh. saturday was good too. ohh things were good
haha. mmm...last night was fine, somewhat typical, but who's to say
that's not a good thing. today i woke up to watch dawson's creek
then basically slept the rest of the day, and i'm going to the gym
soon...so that's my accomplishment for the day.
My Mood :  lazy Current Music: nirvana-lithium |
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this feelings getting old...
i miss the fun we used to have...what i miss is the summer when people
could keep their eyes open and get outside in the warm air and do
something.
i'm just here now. something that has to be done every now and then,
but don't take me too seriously, i'm not that important and i really
don't mind watching you fall asleep while i get left to do nothing but
waste my time. but don't worry, save the best of yourself, the fun and
awake part of yourself for your friends cause you always have a good
time with them.
GO FUCK YOURSELF. i want to feel important again i feel like i'm
nothing and everythings been going wrong whether it's in my head or
really happening it's not just you but you sure as hell cause most of
it and i want my life back. i want to feel beautiful and excited and
energetic, not crushed and gloomy all the time. i can't even get myself
to see half the people i used to have trouble living without. i miss
good, deep, long conversations. i miss the fun and how do you tell when
you've used all the fun up? ehhhh i can't do this, another night to cry
myself to sleep...i'm so over this feeling but it doesn't want to
leave. uhh god
My Mood : lonely Current Music: mamas and the papas |
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no one can catch a fucking break can they. i'm going to
miss seeing my loveee at school, it was something i got used to this
year and it always made my day better just to see him. this sucksss. if
he can't go to prom with me i will die because he already wasn't allowed
to be at ring banquet and prom is different it's really important to me
and i just want to go to one of the funnest nights with a boy i
actually love and will actually dance with me and have a good time and
all. i just want to be with dan that night :-( i'm not even going to
want to go anymore if he can't god i don't care if i'm making this a
bigger deal than it seems, i was really excited for that, it's a night
i always thought about since i was little and watched saved by the bell
with zack and kelly and i wanted that for my prom and ugghh.
rrrrrrrrrr. adding to the list of things me and my parents can
constantly fight about. this night has sucked so bad for him, i just
want something really good to happen for him atleast once. i know
sometimes he brings things on himself but i have to admit he has shit
luck. i love him so much after everything that happens i always stick
up for him and uhh it gets so tiring. ...and believe it or not
everything that happens to him ends up affecting me. and my night was
shit too, how about some fucking good news for once?
i hate luck i hate rules i hate everything. i hate my parents. i
hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my parents, but apperantly since all
the fights in our house are the cause of me, i guess they hate me too.
i hate them for not understanding, i hate them for pretending to be my
friend and lying, and i hate them for not fucking recognizing when
their own daughter is depressed for months. but ofcourse the better
option is to yell at her for crying and being emotional, and for not
doing anything and sleeping too much and being lazy. don't try and
help, don't worry i don't fucking need your help assholes. everytime i
think we will become closer and make amends they have to lose me again.
dan :-( uhhhhhhhhhgggg
My Mood : crushed Current Music: gorillaz-tomorrow comes today |
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Mar. 7th, 2005 @ 09:10 pm
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friday was pretty good, went to work, then jasmines,
then we went some other random places real quick...i did feel bad cause
we left this girl jess i didn't even know she had left and i felt
really bad about that. saturday was good i had work and then i went to
dan's and crap, and really had like the best time i've ever had. sunday
i went to get a prom dress with my mom and jasmine and jasmine won a
free makeover lol. it was fun at the beggining of the day but by the
end of the day it was one of the worst days of my life i was just
completely feeling like shittt it was the worst feeling in my life. the
one thing i hated about this weekend was the sudden change of emotions,
and not suddle at all, completely one extreme to the other. today
i'm...better. idk man things are so weird heh that's life.
"The things that people in love do to each other they remember, and if they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive."
( you never know )
an unexpected weekend, weird nights. my garden state icon has a new
meaning to me...i LOVE that movie anyways <33 ahh lovee. i
found a wonderful prom dress :-)
My Mood :  weird Current Music: nine inch nails |
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i don't even know how my heart still works anymore, it should be dead by now. it feels dead.
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Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 11:22 pm
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in order to feel content and have fun i need to be in an
alternate reality...or so was the case this vacation. because those
were the only times i felt good. i don't know what to do with myself
anymore.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyy
she get's mad and she starts to cry, she takes a swing and she can't hit
My Mood : uncomfortable Current Music: jane's addiction |
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after that horrible
day, jasmine got me out of my house and i had a really good night. then
the next day i hung out with dan and then with emma and alicia and
watched the virgin suicides. then yesterdayyy i had work and then went
out and i had another fun night. i had work really early this morning
and that killedd me but i bounced back haha now i'm just bored and i'm
too late to catch emma's cheerleading competition cause i think alicia
already left hah. the only person i really can depend on these days is
myself...and even that's a challenge haha. it sucks that it has to be
like that. i do feel very alone and all that, and i am scared
that i will make bad decisions because of me just needing something you
know...no you prolly don't lol. but if i can just find a way to keep it
so that i'm busy or having fun and don't have time to sit and think
then i'll be alright except for those decision making things...but i've been good about that so far.
My Mood : not the best, not the worst Current Music: spoon-you gotta feel it |
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yesterday was a good
day me and sejal attempted at making margaritas...actually i made them
for her and failed miserably, but we drank them anyways lol. then
alicia and emma came over and wel watched napolean dynamite and then we
went to visit cheryn. then we went back to sejals for a while. it was
fun and i'm glad i just got to laugh and just..idk feel close to
normal. but one day doesn't suffice for whatever i wish it could. i
tried optimistic views and all that but you can't fake the way you see
things. it's like everything i do and everything that happens i have to
look at in a negative perspective and instead of making the best of it
i have to think of everything that's not right and i'm trying so hard
not to do that but i can't. i'm not going to ramble on and explain blah
blah blah why i'm so depressed and blah blah blah....it's pointless.
what i need to do is figure out why i'm such a negative person and why
i can't just let myself be happy. but i really do try idk what i'm
doing wrong. i tried so hard but all afternoon i could just feel tears
in my eyes and i was like please don't cry you idiot you have no reason
to cry stop being a baby, and i was successful for the most part only
cried a tiny bit. but then i just knew if i didn't get out of there
soon i would go crazy i felt like i was in jail or something so i left
dan's and now i'm home wasting my time crying but there's nothing else
i can do i just need to let it all out so i can go do
something...anything. i just don't want to be around anyone till it's
all out of my system cause it's embarrassing to be crying all the time
and the littlest thing, or nothing, could set me off. i'm really at a
dead end right now i don't see all the causes only some, i don't see
all the answers, i see none..i'm just really confused and as much as i
wish i had someone to share this with, at the same time i want to be
alone and keep things to myself i just wish someone...or anyone knew
the feeling and could relate or something. but i can't even be honest
with myself about why this has been happening. i know i don't want to
die but it's like those days where all you want to do is stand on your
roof and scream to the whole world "i want to die!" but i don't at the
same time so really do i know what i want? no, i just want to be happy
again and it's so hard...what happened to me this year?
"For every chemical you trade a piece of your soul with no return
And who you think you know doesn't know you at all, their drain is needless
Someday we'll wave hello and wish we'd never waved goodbye"
My Mood : morose Current Music: smashing pumpkins-this time |
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i have work today :-(. it snowed. this weekend i went to
dinner with emma and shannon, then back to emmas with shannon alicia
and sejal to watch a movie. then the next day i had work and hung out
with dan. and yesterday i caught up on sleep a little and saw dan. i'm
glad i still have him even if love doesn't fix everything else going
on, whatever it is that's going on, but it's a start ya know. sometimes
it makes things worse but i would rather live with it than without it,
without a doubt. i remember being younger and being so attached to my
friends..like literally attached at the hip to the point where there
wasn't a day that went by that i didn't hang out with them and they
were all i needed. i wondered why people thought love was so important,
if you're in love with the friends you have why would you need a
relationship? but i guess the older you get the less attached at the
hip you and your friends become and you need something to fill that
void that once seemed overflowing. i miss those days still, especially
the summer ones...i know we all do. i miss a lot of things, but i guess
i don't regret anything because i can't, that's just how things go. i
want to know what it feels like to be in love with a friend again. it
is in no way sexual, if that's what you were thinking. ofcourse i still
love all of my friends. i just wish i still had that sort of friendship
where we had to be together all the time had to talk on the phone and
when we went home for dinner we took walkie talkies to talk to
eachother for the whole half hour we'd be apart. things were so cute.
you never realize how great something is until things change. but that
comes with growing up, getting jobs, having things to do or places to
be. when you are younger nothing matters and responsibilities are so
limited. i have that love with dan, that best friend love, but i also
have love for him in a totally different way, so things just can't be
the same. i still have a space that's needs filling i just am not sure
what....i think most people do though. i don't know...i'll try new
things and see what happens.
My Mood :  indescribable Current Music: the pixies- i bleed |
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i'm in such
a bad mood lol. sejal was in the worst mood i think i've ever seen her
in today. now she's fine and i'm crankyyy. i have pms but to top that
off dan has to waste my time. sometimes he makes me soooooooo mad.
someone tell me now why would you call someone and ask them to hang out
if you are going to go home and lay in your bed and put your head in
your pillow. i tried to get him up so much but the only time he got up
was so i could go get his stupid peach rings and disgusting yellow
swedish fish because i lost a bet and i thought after that he would
atleast stay awake but he came inside and laid down in his bed and
fucking went to sleep. it made me really mad cause i feel like i'm
always waiting on him and wasting my time and it's like all he cares
about is him and his schedule and doesn't care whose time he's wasting
as long as he gets to do what he wants. i originally wanted to go to
driving school tonight and i wish i did or i could've gone to the gym
atleast...idk anythings better than watching someone sleep and trying
to make conversation with a sleeping person. eh sorry i'm just really
mad. i guess this was like my snapping point lol usually i complain
that all he does is fucking sleep when i'm around but tonight i just
snapped and he could care less he's home sleeping. anyways lol school
sucks and everyones trying to cram in tests we aren't ready for before
vacation. this weekend was pretty good, idk i thought so. oh and that
last thing i wrote in here about being so honored to get a phone call,
i didn't even get a call hah i won't complain anymore cause i am really
not in the mood to be talking about this, i'll feel too mean later. i
hope this weekend is good. maybe i will actually get to see sejal for
once lol. i love watching people's relationships start and stuff, just
the way they act...especially at the beggining. when everything's so
new and exciting and you can just see how much happier they are. i know
a few people who are obviously much happier and just ah everythings so
cute. oh dear i am extremely cranky and negative right now, i'd like to
be in their place for a day just to get my spirits up. i see changes i
just can't see what they are but they're comming. i'm scared heh. i've
changed so much.
My Mood :  annoyed Current Music: primus-kalamazoo |
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Feb. 13th, 2005 @ 09:41 pm
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i went to the mall with miss jasmine today. tomorrow is so exciting cause valentines day is the day where everyone wears my favorite color-pink!!
and my dad gives mom and i flowers and you get to read those corny
little heart candies that taste like chalk that say something like
"E-MAIL ME!" lol. ohh speaking of communicating...i should be so
honored i'm supposed to recieve a phone call tonight. and i'm supposed
to be excited about it right cause i should just feel so priveledged to
have the honor of actually being called omg i must be one of the luckiest girls alive. hah sorry i'm in a sarcastic mood and that really
made me laugh. my turtle is like making out with her carrots and
lettuce...it's adorable. i can't wait till tomorrow morning when my
family is all in a good mood. and my lovely jasmine has a valentine i'm
so happy for her. this valentines day doesn't feel so different from
the other ones...i'm not all into it cause of that whole "love is in
the air bullshit" i just think it's a cute little pink, candy-eating
holiday and i'll make sure to enjoy myself no matter what i do!
My Mood :  amused Current Music: badly drawn boy |
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So we restore harmony
Smooth the lines on the face of an old enemy
But there's no wood on the fire again
well
tonight was fine, work then babysat michael and mike got to stop by
then i went to jasmines where there were little girls crying and crusty
feet lol. but it was funny. i'm used to this depressing state i've been
in and idk i just accept crying a lot by myself and try to make the
best of it everywhere i go. i'm trying to laugh and smile more often
now because i realize that those things make you happy, and they really
do. i'm used to not having good conversations anymore and not knowing
everything about eachother, not knowing when one is depressed or the
other is having a problem that they can't be helped with anymore. i
don't care...about anything except for smiling and laughing so hard
that my stomach hurts. that's what matters. when i start to cry over
nothing i just do it, so what, and then i'm done and i can go get on
with my life and have fun. if ya can't beat 'em join 'em...hah. so the
feeling of apathy that's been surrounding me has now engrossed me into
the same feeling. and yet it's not apathy so much if i still feel
everything. but to shrug it off and say fuck it until i start crying is
my form of apathy and it's working and i'm settling. i'm settling
because i don't feel i have options anymore and if i do...i don't care,
whatever. i just want to talk to friends and listen to music and lay on
my bed with my legs in the air like i always did when i was little,
just have a good time. and i can do that alone or with people, and i
sureeee appreciate my people a lot <3 lol. the ones who do know the state
i've been in and the ones i've been able to open up to, my decision
entirely, and i appreciate them for listening. i'm trying to practice
being apathetic without anything to cause me to become that way. i actually am starting to think i could do better, or that i deserve better :-P. goosebumps suck and i constantly have them. i'm smiling right now :-)for once i just don't care what is real and what is not. god these allergies are real hah, i had to touch jasmines birds, they were looking so cute and all but hmm i'm regretting that decision right now lol.
My Mood :  blank Current Music: etta james/louis armstrong-dream a little dream of me |
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shimmyshakes77's journal
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