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innocence is all i have, breathing underwater

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one of those times you wish you had some vodka and good friends Dec. 9th, 2005 @ 06:12 pm
what was i thinking. i know how dependent i am, and i should have known not to believe that. i should've listened to my head. and now i'm alone, although it's felt like that almost all along. just let it sink in and i'll go crazy. i can't wait forever, a week was hard enough and then it was a month and now it's months and i overrestimated my strength. i'm not a strong person, i guess i don't want anything to do with anyone.
My Mood : lonelylonely
Current Music: alien ant farm

too close Dec. 6th, 2005 @ 10:07 pm
i spend all this time trying to prove to myself that there is no god, but something was there today. something kept that telephone pole from killing me and i think i need to have a little more faith. i need dan but i'm not going to be selfish, he needs me too and i'll just be there...for anything and everything. i look like a platapuss and i have my interview with southern tomorrow, but it could be so much worse, i could be dead and never make it to my interview or college. for a moment i wished i was, i feel terrible, but i do believe that it's for the better that i am not. not to mention there must be a reason. dan thinks it's because he prayed for me last night, i love him and his praying. i think it has something to do with him. all i wanted to know was that i meant something to my old best friends. and today all i thought of was, wow if i died would they have even bothered to go to my funeral? but you know what, i shouldn't waste my time thinking about that when i'm sure they wouldn't bat an eyelash for me. what matters is the friends i have came through and i'm so happy to have them. i don't know what i would do without tal...god i don't even want to think about it. i'm such a wimp but i'm still all shook up, i think that was my first real real near death experience, and all i got was a swollen shrek-like face which will heal. i'm not sure what to think, sure i think i'm an idiot, but besides that, all i know is we have one less car for now, and there is one less telephone poll in the town of milford, and i'm scared to get in a car tomorrow.i feel like i am going to ruin my familys christmas...but i guess we'll see how things work out.  i miss daniel to death, night night.
My Mood : scaredscared

my little love bug plus a smileee Dec. 1st, 2005 @ 08:21 pm
i miss my love...a lottt.
but it's a small price to pay...
i'm so proud of that boy i could scream :-)
finallyyy...lonely and not, and happy and gonna be happier.
ohhhhh gosh <3

it's only gonna get BETTER :-D!!!
My Mood : anxiousanxious
Current Music: blur

Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 09:58 pm
My Mood : dead

forget about me, it won't be hard Oct. 19th, 2005 @ 06:10 pm
reading old entries makes me cry. no wonder i don't write in this anymore. all i want is to go back to sophmore year before i ever met dan and still had my best friends. i miss my friends but i miss the old them, not the people they've become, and i'm sure they miss the old me too, and obviously want nothing to do with the new me. i have a feeling no one likes this me. maybe because i'm pathetically sad all the time and try too hard to be chipper to the point where people probably just want to laugh at me. i wish i could take back meeting dan. dan forgot about me today, he used to always do this when he was on dope. he lies while looking right in my eyes knowing that i'm not stupid, and tells me he's not on anything. he knew i was upset yesterday, i told him i wanted to talk, for once i kept calling him he just put it off and put it off and then said he would come over after school and he wanted to see me then. he didn't come. he didn't call. i don't care if i'm lucky to have fallen in love i wanted my first time falling in love to be beautiful, not this full of hurt. that's all i do is hurt. i'm so fucking sick of heroin, and everyone on it. it changes people and all i care about is myself right now so i'll just say that honestly...it fucking hurts me. i know my life will get a million times better and it's not the end of the world and i'll fall in love again, but i'd rather just be re-born and start a whole new life, i don't care how fucking ugly i come out, a new life sounds so good. i want to move to michigan so i can visit my grandma whenever i want cause i always regretted not living closer. i want to see anne marie, i'm sad with all those years we lived 20 minutes away i didn't see her and paula more often. my dad doesn't have faith that i can get into a college there but i know there's gotta be some way. i want to meet a boy who is gonna follow me around and fall in love with me and call me all the time and never forget to show up. a boy who on our 1 year anniversary will plan something cute like a picnic or atleast be coherent and not fall asleep and forget about me. i want a boy who can have a good time but isn't dependant on drugs. a boy who cares about his friends and family, doesn't believe in ripping people off, and is sensitive to other people's emotions. i feel like i missed out on something i could have had and i just wasted my time and my love on someone who is too selfish to care about anyone but himself. i can't blame everything on him, i'm the one who's stuck around this long. it's so fucking hard to get out of this relationship because i feel like i'm dependant on him. i lost my good friends, he is my best friend, and if you take that out of my life i would hardly have one. who do i see everyday and talk to all the time...and without it i wouldn't know where to start. i have tal and i love her to deathhh. still things will never be how they used to. i need a constant who will actually be constant and dependable...i shouldn't have to rely on other people to keep myself going but that's something i have to work on. i want to move away and start over so bad it might kill me before i even get the chance.
My Mood : crushedcrushed

you gonna be a liar? yeah...lie to me. Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 08:54 pm
godddddddd, this boy kills me :-(

i hate myself and everything else.

Remember today...I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

My Mood : crushedsick of itttt
Current Music: silverchair-leave me out

you want me? well come on and break the door down. Apr. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:22 am
the last few weekends have been really fun, especially the last 2 weeks at toads, very fun even tho i got sick that first time and then well the last time heh...well nvm. fun fun yeah that's great, but i'm fucking missing myself, i'm empty, it's complete shit. the thought of being alone away from everyone else doesn't bother me anymore, i no longer am concerned with what i would do to other people if i were to leave...one of the few people i really really didn't want to hurt, i most definitely think he'd get over it, and quickly, and it hurts me. today was dan and i's one year anniversary, i don't even want to explain how much i anticipated that. ohhh i thought we'd never make it that far and when we were comming close to it my expectations grew to it being this big thing. a year of my life with one person, and my first love at that, i thought it was so special. idk, tonight wasn't special. it started bad, i couldn't get in a great mood after that, oh god please forgive me cause that's all my fault, and then we have him whistling and dave mathews in the background, blah blah blah he's so original they are so good. fuck that i felt like i wanted to stand up and run into the wall as hard as i could, and hopefully die immediately so i wouldn't have to see how ugly i looked after smashing into a wall. all my days are fucking bad they just blend together now, and then i have some good nights, some really good nights. those nights are artificial and i love them to deathhhh, but i want the natural good nights back. i wanted tonight to be special and i feel like such a bitch for feeling let down but honestly i didn't even want to go anywhere or anything i just wanted it to be nice. and so sorry if i had a hard time being happy but everything really suckss right now. i'd ask for my old self back but i don't even know what that is anymore, and even if i did, i'm pretty sure she wasn't the happiest either. i'm so negative and i complain constantly but all it would take was one person to make me feel like i'm a significant amount of importance to them and my life would be like it was 6 or 7 months ago when i was completely infatuated and happy to be myself for once.
i want to...i want to be someone else or i'll explode.

My Mood : lonelyalone
Current Music: placebo-special k

later bathing in the afterglow... Mar. 14th, 2005 @ 03:58 pm
this weekend was pretty good. there was a thing or two i definitely wanted to do that i didn't get to but there's always next weekend :-), and it's better off that way anyways. i hung out with dan every night because he doesn't go to law anymore and i going to miss seeing him everyday :-(. and because i wanted to heh. friday was good even tho i almost like died haha and then i hear jasmine, "she needs her nebulizerrrrrrrrr" lol. sometimes i don't know my limits till i've reached them heh. saturday was good too. ohh things were good haha. mmm...last night was fine, somewhat typical, but who's to say that's not a good thing.  today i woke up to watch dawson's creek then basically slept the rest of the day, and i'm going to the gym soon...so that's my accomplishment for the day.
My Mood : lazylazy
Current Music: nirvana-lithium

these days...i may not be so happy after all. Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 10:21 pm
this feelings getting old...
i miss the fun we used to have...what i miss is the summer when people could keep their eyes open and get outside in the warm air and do something.
i'm just here now. something that has to be done every now and then, but don't take me too seriously, i'm not that important and i really don't mind watching you fall asleep while i get left to do nothing but waste my time. but don't worry, save the best of yourself, the fun and awake part of yourself for your friends cause you always have a good time with them.
GO FUCK YOURSELF. i want to feel important again i feel like i'm nothing and everythings been going wrong whether it's in my head or really happening it's not just you but you sure as hell cause most of it and i want my life back. i want to feel beautiful and excited and energetic, not crushed and gloomy all the time. i can't even get myself to see half the people i used to have trouble living without. i miss good, deep, long conversations. i miss the fun and how do you tell when you've used all the fun up? ehhhh i can't do this, another night to cry myself to sleep...i'm so over this feeling but it doesn't want to leave. uhh god

My Mood : lonelylonely
Current Music: mamas and the papas

slow motion...see me let go... Mar. 8th, 2005 @ 08:44 pm
no one can catch a fucking break can they. i'm going to miss seeing my loveee at school, it was something i got used to this year and it always made my day better just to see him. this sucksss. if he can't go to prom with me i will die because he already wasn't allowed to be at ring banquet and prom is different it's really important to me and i just want to go to one of the funnest nights with a boy i actually love and will actually dance with me and have a good time and all. i just want to be with dan that night :-( i'm not even going to want to go anymore if he can't god i don't care if i'm making this a bigger deal than it seems, i was really excited for that, it's a night i always thought about since i was little and watched saved by the bell with zack and kelly and i wanted that for my prom and ugghh.  rrrrrrrrrr. adding to the list of things me and my parents can constantly fight about. this night has sucked so bad for him, i just want something really good to happen for him atleast once. i know sometimes he brings things on himself but i have to admit he has shit luck. i love him so much after everything that happens i always stick up for him and uhh it gets so tiring. ...and believe it or not everything that happens to him ends up affecting me. and my night was shit too, how about some fucking good news for once? i hate luck i hate rules i hate everything. i hate my parents. i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my parents, but apperantly since all the fights in our house are the cause of me, i guess they hate me too. i hate them for not understanding, i hate them for pretending to be my friend and lying, and i hate them for not fucking recognizing when their own daughter is depressed for months. but ofcourse the better option is to yell at her for crying and being emotional, and for not doing anything and sleeping too much and being lazy. don't try and help, don't worry i don't fucking need your help assholes. everytime i think we will become closer and make amends they have to lose me again. dan :-(  uhhhhhhhhhgggg

My Mood : crushedcrushed
Current Music: gorillaz-tomorrow comes today
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